Excitement

A couple of days ago I felt a feeling I've not really felt in a long time.  No, not that one!

It was excitement, a feeling in my stomach I remember from long ago, sort of churning, buzzing, making me feel alive.

It might not seem very much but coming from the flatness of depression it's a huge big deal.

For years now my main feelings have been a flatness inside, or anger or sadness, but not happiness or excitement I could actually feel.  I'd say all the right things, make all the right noises for showing excitement or happiness, but inside I felt flat, nothing.

So this feeling was a major breakthrough,

I held on to it, seeing the sun outside my window, enjoying the light and shade on the leaves of the tree, gazing around the room, taking in everything in that moment.  It looked vibrant, I felt vibrant.  I just sat and felt this great new feeling for as long as it stayed.  Really feeling alive and loving it.

I'm happy I experienced it, as now I know it can happen and it will happen again.  I'm beginning to believe I'm changing, improving, getting better, thanks to my family and my counsellor.

Maybe one day soon I will get out of the house!